I love being fifty-two, because I feel like I’m thirty-five and a whole lot smarter than I was back then. I can go in multiple cliche directions with the age scenario, but I am not going to, except to say, that twenty-seven years have passed since I said I do to a man that for twenty-five years, was my husband. By next month, we will be legally divorced. I write this clinically, matter-of-factly, but make no mistake dear reader, I have tasted my own tears, sorrowfully wept, and walked great distances to decompress and reorganize me, all the while, with God as my comfort.
Suddenly single… I felt self-conscious
I was suddenly single the day we dissolved. This became an oddity to me: I felt self-conscious, as though everyone could tell? I felt free and wide open, but in an uncomfortable, unprotected way. I felt deep grief and loss, mixed with strange and wonderful yet to be discovered possibilities. Mostly, I felt like the sands of time had shifted beneath my feet and what was, was no more: I could not reconcile the exchanges of I love you with nothing: nothing left to make merry with; nothing left to hold us together; nothing left to form a future and trust forever in one another. It was all gone in a moment of irretrievable words, a decision made, never to be retracted. Evaporated as if it never were and yet, there is physical evidence that we did live as man and wife, proof positive in the son we were gifted with by a loving and generous God. Still, the strangeness was surreal.
I really like marriage
Navigating a split, a separation, a decided dividing and going individual ways, leaves one bereft of a sure course of action. I had not anticipated being not married, and in fact, I still don’t! I really like marriage: I think it is wonderful and I would like to make good on another go at saying I do… but before this dear one, I have had to be alone, in every way possible. I knew that I was raw, vulnerable, more than capable of making emotional errors in judgement that could harm the hearts of those I may have gotten involved with; I knew I wasn’t ready to date and besides, I was and am, still a married woman, until next month.
Toying with the idea of dating
Toying with the idea of dating came from a sense of loneliness. I grin as I write this, because I have so many wonderful people in my life! I could be occupied day and night non stop if I was so inclined. But this is not the point. I do believe we are designed for relationship, men and woman, coupled and carrying on as though they are each others favourite person in the whole wide world. I want this, and yet, loneliness is not the best motivator for finding a mate: it puts too much pressure on the other person to satisfy a need based on rejection! Who wants that? No no, that is not for me and it will not be for the person(s) I meet and date. I love people and want to be an added amazing bonus to their lives, and visa versa… no neediness on other side please and thank-you.
He redeems us from sorrow
Dear one, I have searched the recesses of my very soul. I have grieved and written, emoted and expressed. I was sad, happy, hopeful, relieved, dismayed, angry, joyful and grateful. While I believe in marriage and family, I also believe God is Sovereign and his plan always supersedes ours. He knows what he is doing and he is the redeemer! He redeems us from sorrow and turns our suffering into indescribable joy! He has done this for me, through me, through it all.
I will love my next husband
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| Is this your match made in heaven? |
I love my former husband, and I will love my next husband, whoever that may be. I am ready for the one, and excited about the fun that is promised me in the making of a new, blessed, protected and successful marriage. God is very good, his standards are incredibly high for his kids and I know that I can trust in him for my next… or not… maybe he wants me to stay single? Hey, who am I to question Gods sovereign reign?
I have criteria
I am not sure what I will share when next we meet, for the remaining four parts of this series. Life is a fun mix of curiosities, isn’t it dear reader? I will say this though: I have criteria for the man or men I will consider dating. I have given this a great deal of thought and consideration, and if you find yourself reading this and you are a Christian in the same situation, you need to go to God if you haven’t already, and get a clear picture of what The Biblical approach to dating and marriage is. He has answers to your burning questions!
Enough said for now, until we meet again, do spend time with our God; he is wonderful.
