I don’t know what I want! I say this emphatically and I ask you the question, do you know what you want?
Spun round and round
Do you recall those playground spinners, the merry-go-rounds from your childhood? I have a phantom memory of one that was well used by hoards of recessed children. It was metal, sectioned off like a cut pie and was chipping paint, was it blue, or red? Getting on meant holding on, because once that thing was in motion, it travelled at light speed. A boy or two would grab hold of one of the metal pie dividers and start the turning process; they would jump on for the remainder of the ride when the spinning was at maximum capacity. I have a vague memory of what it was like to stumble off of the crazy carrousel, sidestepping to an almost fall because the world was topsy turvy. That thing made me nauseous and I still can’t do circles for fear of being sick. Why am I sharing this with you, dear reader? Let’s find out, together.
We don’t know what to expect
When I was a kid, I didn’t know what to expect. That spinning wheel was a popular bit of fun and out of curiosity, I got on. When being whipped through the air, there is no thought of, well, anything really. The time span between curiosity and gleaned understanding is often short. I got on, it spun, I toppled out, it is simple. I didn’t have time to want anything, to be desirous of something different because I was a part of the ride, the experience. This is how I feel now. I was on a ride. The spinning, while not breakneck speed, was a steady turning, a continuous pace. I was not whipped round and round but I did not know how to get off of the ride in fact, I don’t recall how I got on and stayed on… Like my phantom childhood memory, I have chipping patches of paint coating my recollection. When did the spinning start and if it has been slow and steady, why does it feels like I have been centrifuge shot out of the ride?
Equilibrium
So I stumble, and I sidestep, and I am dizzy. I don’t know what I want but I know what I don’t want, which is a start, isn’t it dear reader? I shake my head and think, do I turn in the opposite direction, to regain equilibrium, to regain straight sight? Do I wait, find a quiet place to rest until the world stops spinning and I can again, walk confidently? There is a short time span between curiosity and gleaned understanding: this, I know to be true.
Gleaned understanding, now that is indeed, one thing that I want and it will, be given to me. “If any of you lacks wisdom he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5). The spinning has stopped. I see a hand held out to me and I take it, stepping off of the carrousel of my own accord. I am not dizzy, I can see straight ahead. No boys to spin me round and round… grin.
