Today I had a revelation that I have been travelling emotional miles in what has felt like the desert, with the occasional oasis where I find water to drink thirstily from. When I reach an oasis, I have time under palm tree fronds to reflect and collect my thoughts, and organize my emotions but I have noticed, my time there is brief. The sun beats down upon my head indicating I must move on, become a traveller again. It is never easy leaving the comfort and seeming security of the oasis and while I feel I must go, I know that I am leaving a part of me behind, buried beneath the sand, hidden with the tree roots. Call what I leave behind treasure or worthless trinket, it does’t matter how it is labelled, it is a leaving behind a part of me, who I am or used to be, perhaps never to be retrieved or revisited again. Loss is somewhere back there and moving forward without what used to be precious and valuable is quite simply, painful. What was once possibility becomes apparition, a ghost of a thought or feeling that lingers still and with a puff of breath and gentle blow, is gone, vanishing into thin air.
Lonesome traveller, do you feel the pain? Are you alone in your own desert? Have you water to drink, a cool place to rest and find respite to refresh so that you can travel another day? Lonely wanderer, do your feet burn from the heated sand and will you go until you can go no further with no oasis in sight? How far is far enough before you realize that home was somewhere back there and that the further you go…the further you travel in the desert of your mind, the less likely you will ever find your way back? What have you buried in the sands that is precious and all but irretrievable? What have you left behind that you thought was trinket, only to discover it was indeed, your treasure?
I travel still. The miles accumulate and with each step, I move forward into what will be. The terrain changes and the desert is almost a memory. I see lush grass, hundred year old trees, outcroppings of rock and I hear river water rushing past, inviting me in. I am where I am meant to be, for now.
